If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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