Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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