If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
