I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
