she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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