That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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