Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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