Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
