I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
