When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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