i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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