Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
