Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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