Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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