i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
