I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
