What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
