Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
