quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
