I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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