apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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