Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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