This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
