You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
