Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
