I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
