Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
