He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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