I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
