I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
