i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
