Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
