I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
