I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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