I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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