I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i will never coherently bang her
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
