She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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