in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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