We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
