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he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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