The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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