Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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