I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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