He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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