I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
