Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Randomize
