Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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