The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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