I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
