It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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