just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
