upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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