hotel room ftw
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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