you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
